Army vs Caulfield's

The 0-4 Red Army takes on Caulfield's at 9:15 at the Eagles Arena. That is way too late for us old guys! Will We Score!! That is it!

Ka-BOOM!

That thud you heard last night wasn't Ol' Saint Nick and his Reindeer landing on your roof. It was the Red Army getting trounced 5-0 to the Buschwackers last night. It was a new low for the Army. In a season of lows. Getting shutout by their Arch Rivals. This is the beginning of the end for the Army. Not even Lance Norman's presence could get the Army one measly goal. Not even the absence of Perry Marto gave the Army a tally. Their will be a lot of sole searching this Thanksgiving for the Army, along with a lot of eating. "At least they will do what they do best, eat," said a disappointed coach Terry Paukert. "We have a lot of work to do just to win a game this year. Not sure if that will happen!" Even with going with almost 3 full lines, the Army just could wear down the in shape Wackers. Slick defenseman Keith Anderson said, "We are in much better shape and dominated the lowly Army."

The rivalry continues!

Huge match-up tonight with The Red Army and the hated Buschwackers renewing their rivalry tonight at 6:45 at the Eagles Arena. These 2 storied franchises have loss a l of of luster in this showdown. The Army is 0-3, and well on their way to a 3-17 year. The Wackers aren't much better. Something has got to give. The Arena is sold out for what is being called the "Puke Bowl". "Anything can happen when these two teams get together," said Wacker Paul Endres. "Throw the records out the window when these two teams meet," said Army stalwart Len Boucher. (You can add your own clique in the comments if you would like) Both teams are looking forward to March when the season ends!

Army Spanked 8-2

The Red Army is off to a dismal start this year. With the 8-2 loss last night by Kelly's the Army drops to 0-3 on the year. The Army has scored 6 goals (2 per game) while allowing 21 (7 per game). "We won't win a lot of games if we keep this pace up," said a disappointed Mike Anderson. "We have to bury our chances," said Lenny Boucher (who finally scored on the year). "I should have had four." The Army was without 4 players last night. Steve and Matt Palmiscno were at an Italian cooking class learning how to make Pesto. Lance Norman was absent for the 3rd straight game. "Where the hell is Norman," was chanted numerous time throughout the arena. Not even coach Terry Paukert had an answer for Norman's absence. "The guy is just a no-show. He doesn't call or check in. His fines are starting to pile up. If he isn't here next week, no one else will have to buy beer for the rest of the season. Norman will have it all," said a disgruntled Paukert. The other notable absence was Perry Marto. Marto is on a scouting mission to Europe. He is heavily recruiting in Switzerland and the Czech Republic for anyone stupid enough to play for the Army. Marto will be back in a couple of weeks and we will be able to see if his mission was successful. Next week may be the only chance for the Army to win. They take on the hated Buschwackers at 6:45 at the Eagles Arena. This may be the only team slower and older than the Army. The reporter thinks it is a tie. An anonymous league source was quoted "Both of these teams suck and need to find a different league to play in. The Dubai hockey league is looking for a couple of teams!" More next week!

Doesn't look like a win on Wednesday?

The 0-2 Red Army faces off against Kelly's on Wednesday night. Game time is 7:15 at the Eagles Arena. The Army's 30 Anniversary season isn't going as planned. GM Kevin Kyle said, "We had the schedule tailor made for us to start 2-0, and we haven't preformed yet." Kyle continued, "It doesn't look good this week. Our practices haven't been good this week." "I have worked my tail off in practice," said Len Boucher. "Kyle needs to get out of his office and get to the rink to see what is happening." Boucher is the only player with a multi-year deal and was the only player willing to talk about Kyle on the record. Look for some line-up changes and juggling of lines for Wednesday's game. Doubt it will help, but the beer will still be cold!

Yeah, we got a lot of losses!

The Red Army is off to a rough start. The Army was spanked 8-1 at the hands of Amce and coupled with last weeks loss to BBI (5-3), the Army is at 0-2 on the young season. Did anyone think anything would be different. Steve Olson, last night's goal scorer quipped, "Not sure if the 30th anniversary tour was a good idea." "We are the poster child for why old rock bands don't have reunion tours," said Perry Marto. The only bright spot was new goaltender Bobby Egeland. Even though he gave up 8, his save percentage was still at 92%. As of now, this reporter hopes March comes fast so this season comes to an end!

Here we go again!

The Red Army takes on Acme tomorrow night at 9:00 at the EGF Blue Line Arena. The Army has always struggled in the "Ice Box". The small rink and even smaller locker rooms inhibit the Army's creativity. This is the Army's 30th season and possibly the last. In a closed door meeting a month ago, the Army had a heated debate on whether to don the Red Army sweaters again. But after a few cocktails and burgers the Army will march their way into another season. "If they go more that 30 years, this team will set back hockey as far back as the 1500's," said Coach Terry Paukert. More on the game coming on Thursday morning.

No Goal for Schumacher

The Red Army was Drubbed last night 8-3 to Gerrell's. The Army played very uninspired hockey. "It looked like everyone was just trying to score and not play any defense," said coach Terry Paukert. The was proven by Matt Palmiscno being on the ice for 7 goals against. "Matt is a cupcake!" said father Steve Palmiscno. The capacity crowd of 4 was waiting to see if Todd Schumacher was going to keep his goal scoring streak. The 28 year streak is over. Schumacher failed to score after being constantly feed in the game. Schumacher has 15 shots on net and couldn't score. "I had my chances, but it just wasn't my year. I guess by not scoring, I have to play another year!" Perry Marto , who was injured carrying a tool belt yesterday and didn't play said, "It wasn't his year. How about it hasn't been his year for the last 12." Bill Knipe answered Marto, "Well at least he played tonight. Marto is a cupcake too! I wear a tool belt with pride and I don't get hurt!" Post season awards will be announced soon.

2013-14 Finale

The End of another Huff-n-Puff season is upon us. The Red Army plays Gerrelle's at 7:00 at the GRBLC Arena. The Army is coming of a surprise win over Acme 5-3. The team is now jockeying for position in the upcoming draft. GM Kevin Kyle says, "We need a win tonight. We don't want the number one pick in the draft. Our luck hasn't been good with that pick." The Army's recent number one picks are Toby Palmiscno, Josh Gilbertson, Eric Melland and Wade Anderson. "We need to find a diamond in the rough, like "Pucks and Sticks" Chad Hanson," said Coach Terry Paukert. Hanson was a 6th round pick and flourished in the Army system. The only other drama for tonight's game is will Todd Schumacher extend his goal scoring streak. Schumacher has scored a goal every year in his illustrious career. Schumacher with no goals on the season must score tonight or he will be shamed for the rest of his career. Kurt Comeau on Schumacher's chances, "No friggin way does he score. He has been set up many times over the last 3 weeks and can't put it in the ocean from a small boat." Perry Marto chimed in, "Even Norman has scored this year, so if Schumacher doesn't, he really sucks!" Schumacher replied, "Not to worry. I have come down to the last game a couple of times and have scored 2 goals each game. I think 3 will be my goal tonight!" Len Boucher quipped, "Is he already drunk!" Call 1-800-REDARMY for the best available seats!

Army Stunner

The Red Army stunned the Huff-n-Puff league with a rare win over Acme last night 5-3. The Army was lead, unbelievably by Perry Marto's 1 goal and 2 assists. "I was a dominant player for once this year. It felt good," said a proud Marto. Steve Olson added, "He thinks just standing in front of the net and having the puck hit him is a dominant performance." The Army finally got some goaltending from Eric Melland. Melland had 18 saves to backstop the Army. Melland said, "I'm just here to help the team. I'm really tired. I haven't had that many saves since my 1st year in squirts." The Army is playing for contracts next week as the season will come to an end. The guy that is in the most trouble is Todd Schumacher. Schumacher still hasn't scored this year and is in jeopardy of having his 28 year goal scoring streak end. "Two years ago it came to the last game and I notch 2. I'm not worried at all. I would have scored tonight if Steve Palmiscno would have put the puck on my stick without moving it." Palmiscno added, "I feed him like a baby, what else does he want!" Management has said that if Schumacher doesn't score he has to sign a 4 year contract just to make him suffer until he is 50. The line at the Riviera Casino in Vegas has the odds of Schumacher scoring at 10-1 against. Looks like he will be playing way over his prime!

The Season is almost DONE

The Army will take its dismal record into tonight's game against Acme. The Army has beaten Acme once this year. But that doesn't mean much. With the game at 5:45 at the GF Blue Line Club, the Army will be short handed. Stalwarts Lance Norman, Chad Swendseid and Todd Schumacher won't be playing. Trying to pick up the slack for those 3 will be Director of Player Personal, Shawn McMillan. He came out of retirement once this year and as Perry Marto stated, "He was shitty!" McMillan answered, "I fit right in, we are all shitty!" No one argued. Look for Lenny Boucher to have a big night. There is video surfacing around that he has been shooting extra pucks in his brown spandex. It looks like he may be getting rid of the camo ones. We can only wait to see that sight. "Maybe Lenny can give the camo ones to Steve Olson. So he can get rid of his brown streak ones," said Todd Palmiscno. You can tell it is getting late in the year, if the best thing I can write about are brown things. Thousands of tickets remain for tonight's game. Call 1_800-REDARMY for yours.

Army just can't score enough

The Red Army was beaten 5-3 last night by Gerrell's. The Army struggled scoring all night against former Army goalie Chris Decker. The Army mustard 3 goals in a matter of 2 minutes in the 3 period. Goals by Matt Palmiscno, Kurt Comeau and struggling Wade Anderson brought the Army even with 14 minutes left in the game. But soon after, goalie Eric Melland gave up the 4th goal to Gerrell's over his glove. "Just stand up," quipped Steve Palmscino. Coach Terry Paukert said, "Melland struggled, but the amount of chances that Perry Marto and Bill Knipe. They need to get better." Steve Olson added, "Those two couldn't score in a brothel with a fist full of rubbers!" The best thing is that the season may only have 2 weeks left. "I can't wait til the season is over. Every time I watch the video after the game, I loose my lunch," said GM Kevin Kyle. As of know the Army will be playing at 5:45 next week against Acme. The game is being played at the Gambucci Arena.

Is the Season Done Yet!!

The hapless Red Army takes on Gerrell's tonight at 8:30 in the Purpur Arena. Not much fanfare for this game. Ticket sales have ceased and free admission will be honored for the game tonight. The Army is desperately seeking the end of another dismal year. "We don't care if Schumacher scores this year," said Kurt Comeau. Wade Anderson chimed in, "We suck!" Remember Anderson was brought in to replace the retired Shawn McMillan. Anderson was lighting up the ECHL when he got the call up. Everyone in the league thought he would be the next great scorer. Well in true Army fasion, he is a bust. "I can't believe he was compared to me," said director of player personal, McMillan. "Norman would be a better comparison!" If this reporter doesn't throw up after watching the Army tonight, there will be an update tomorrow!

Army vs Boardwalk

Is it the 5, 6, or 7th time these two teams have met. Game time is at 7:45 at the GF Blue Line Arena. The Army will be without Todd Schumacher and Tood Palmiscno. Both are healthy scratches. "We need more consistency with our defense. Those two are getting it done. They look like the Russian Olympic team," Said coach Paukert. MVP of last game Perry Marto stated, "My play last week was exemplar in all aspect, especially face offs." Len Boucher answered, "What the hell is exemplar?" Lots of tickets remain for tonight's game!

Army gets beat yet again

The Red Army was beat 4-1 last night to the hands of The Buschwackers. The Wackers jumped out to a quick 2-0 lead in the first. A bad change caused the first goal and the second goal was all the goalies fault, as said by Steve Palmiscno. The Wackers made it 3-0 in the 2nd when the Army just couldn't get it out of the zone. "Lance Norman had a chane to get it out. He just couldn't, said assistant coach, Shawn McMillan. McMillan continued he tirade on Norman. "Norman was the worst player on the ice. He 2 week layoff really hurt him. A trade may be in order!" The Army made it a 2 goal deficit when Todd Palmiscno scored on a picture perfect pass from Todd Schumacher. The Wackers thought that Schumacher was going to shoot the puck, but instead fed Palmiscno with a no look pass for the talley. Palmiscno said, "Schuey made a top ten sportscenter pass. If we don't see that play on the late sportscenter broadcast I will be surprised." The Army had numerous chances to make it closer, but just could score on their numerous chances. The Wackers scored an open net goal after another turnover by Norman. The game did have some late game drama as Matt Palmiscno and Jerry Lundby had some discussions after the open net goal. Steve Palmiscno tried to help his son in the discussion. Steve Palmisnco said, "I had to help Matt. He went to Red River and is kinda a cupcake." It took at least an hour to find out why the discussion and pushing match started. Finally Baron Purcell broke the silence. "The way I understand it is Lundby said that his wife can make a Calzone better than any Palmiscno. It didn't take long for the Italian blood to boil!" The Army and the Wackers have split their 2 games. The next one should be a dilly!

The Red Army News is Back

After a 2 week layoff due to a funding problem with Vladimir Putin taking all of the money for the Sochi Olympics, the News is back. The Red Army faces of against the Buschwackers tonight at 6:45 at the Eagles Arena. Tonight's game is bigger than the USA/Canada Women's game that played earlier today. The Army stomped the Wackers 8-3 earlier this year. The Army was able to win without Todd Schumacher in the lineup. With the Stalwart Defenseman back in the line up, what we we expect tonight. "Most likely a loss," said Perry Marto. "Schumacher is no good, and when is the media and ownership going to figure this out." The Wackers Baron Purcell added, "Schumacher will most likely be our player!" Tonight's game is preempting The Olympic Figure skating. Tickets are going fast. Call 1-800-REDARMY for yours!

GAme cancelled

Poor ice conditions due to the Zamboni breaking down caused cancellation of tonight's game. At least it wasn't a loss!

Ice Box Tonight

The Red Army plays in the Ice Box (EGF BLC) Arena tonight. They take on The Boardwalk for the THIRD time. "We haven't played Gerrell's yet, what is with the scheduling," said Todd Palmiscno. Game time is 7:45. Too busy for anything else to write!

Army gets Thumped

The Red Army was beaten soundly last night 7-3 by OBB (Formally the GFAFB). With the Army missing 2 defensemen, coach Terry Paukert move Steve Palmiscno and Steve Knipe back to the blue line. This virtually took any scoring punch away from the Army. Coach Paukert said, "We have reached a new low in the history of the Red Army. It may well have been the worst game this storied franchise has played." Paukert continued, "Even having Shawn McMillan or Kevin Kyle back in the line-up wouldn't have helped!" The loss drops the Army to 2-5-1 on the year and look destined to roam the cellar for a 2nd straight year. The Army was under the gun even before the game started. Goaltender Eric Melland was a late scratch due to an unknown injury. Unidentified Army sources claim that Melland has a stubbed pinky toe and couldn't get his skate on without some discomfort. Bill Knipe said, "He isn't old enough to use that excuse yet." The only bright spot on the night was Kurt Comeau. Comeau actually scored on a breakaway. That make 4 goals out of 245 breakaway attempts. The Army will face The Boardwalk for the 3rd time this season next week. Game time is 7:45 at the East Grand Forks Ice Box (Blue Line Arena). Free Admission and puke buckets for this one!

2nd half begins tonight

The Red Army finished the first half of the season with a 2-4-1 record. Not bad for a team of has-ben's and once-was. Tonight the Army faces off against OBB at 8:00 pm at the Eagles Arena. Prime time baby for the Army. Coach Terry Paukert made the team watch "Miracle" last night to inspire a 2nd half run. "Chad Swendseid said, "The only run is going to be down my pants when we lose again!" Len Boucher had a different thought, "If watching this movie causes Bill to be inspired, then I'm all for it." Lance Norman chimed in, "He should be, there was free food at the showing." Not many tickets remain for tonight's game. Call 1-800-REDARMY for the best available seat!