Norman and Schumacher Score in Army Loss

Despite getting goals from Lance Norman and Todd Schumacher, the Red Army rally from a 2 goal deficit fell short. The Army lost to the El Roco 5-3 in Huff-n-Puff action. The Army trailed 3-1 going into the third period, but that is when Norman and Schumacher picked up their game. Norman scored early in the third to cut the deficit to 3-2. "If Norman's goal isn't the #1 play on ESPN tonight I may never watch Sportscenter again," said Coach Terry Paukert. Then a few minutes later the earth stopped rotating when Todd Schumacher shoveled a backhand in to tie the game. "I'll take it. The streak is still alive," said Schumacher. The streak that Schumacher is talking about is scoring at least on goal each year he has played in the Huff-n-Puff league. "We have it in his contract that if he doesn't score during the year he has to retire," said GM Kevin Kyle. The El Roco scored twice more in the third after the Army had tied it up. "Gilbertson has to make those saves after we battled back from two goals. 6 saves a game just doesn't hack it in this league," screamed Steve Palmiscno. Palmiscno (1G,2A on the night) continued, "If we have to rely on Norman and Schumacher scoring, then the goalie needs to make some saves."

It doesn't get any bigger than tonight

Not since Tim and Mark Lykken donned the CCCP Jersey has a game had this much meaning. Not only is the game for the trophy, the booth and bragging rights for the year. Tonight's game against El Roco has even more meaning. Tonight's game is a loser leave town match. Tickets for this mammoth tilt are going fast. With the game time at 7:00 (Eagles Arena) a huge crowd is expected. Call 1-800-REDARMY. If the Army loses, Perry Marto will have to leave town and retire from the Red Army. It is the same for the El Roco. If they lose Brian "Baron" Purcell will have to do the same. Strategy is the same on both sides. "Let's lose we will help Marto pack his bags," says Lance Norman. Paul Endres of the El Roco said, "We already have Whalen's Moving and Storage at Baron's house." Neither Baron or Marto were reached for comment. GM of the Army Kevin Kyle, "I think both teams are hoping for a tie so that both can be sent packing. Both of these guys have worn out there welcome in the Huff-n-Puff League." Dave Roach agreed with Kyle. "If I can get rid of Baron I can stay in Mexico for 2 weeks!"

Who Needs McMillan or Anderson

The Red Army picked up there first win of the year over Kelly's 6-5. Kelly's jumped out to a 2-0 lead early in the 1st period and it looked like the old Army had came to play. On Kelly's 2nd goal, Army defensmen, Todd Schumacher, had a picture perfect pass to Tyler Gibbs. Too bad Gibbs plays for Kelly's. Schumacher and the Army got better after that. The Army took a 4-2 lead into the third period on two goals each by Steve Palmiscno and Kurt Comeau. Palmiscno and Comeau both finished of their hat ricks in the third. It was by far the best Palmiscno had played in the past 2 years. "I was afraid for my life" said Palmiscno. "Tim Loven was trying to hurt me every chance I got the puck. It is the hardest I've skated in 20 years." "Our goal was to stop Gilbertson, Warner and Hugo," said Steve Olson. "We were able to take away their best three players and Schumacher only had one assist for the other team." Army goalie Josh Gilbertson finished with 4 saves on the night. As for McMillan and Anderson, GM Kevin Kyle is mum on their whereabouts. The rumor out there is they were both sent to the minors in Kiev to hone their skills. "I like big Russian women," was reportedly the last comment heard from McMillan as he boarded the plan to Kiev.

Is The First Win Going To Be Tonight????

The big question of the day is, "Will the Army win a game?" After 2 embarrassing losses to start the year, lots a questions are still out there. Will Josh Gilbertson make a save? Will Todd Schumacher pass to his own team. Will Steve Palmiscno regain his D1 form? Will Perry Marto win a face-off? Will Bill Knipe hit the net? Will Todd Palmiscno take more than a 30 second shift? Will Kurt Comeau score on a penalty shot? And the biggest question, will Shawn McMillan show up for a game? These questions an more can be found out tonight at 7:45 at the EGF Blue Line Arena, when the Red Army takes on defending conference champ Kelly's. Call 1-800-REDARMY for your tickets.

At Least The Army Scores In 8-5 Loss

The Red Army dropped to 0-2 on the season to the hands of Caufield's 8-5. The Army had a 3-2 lead in the second period before giving up 5 straight to find themselves down 7-3 with 13 minutes left in the game. The Army cut the lead 7-4 a minute later, but coach Terry Paukert sent Todd Schumacher out and Caufield's promptly scored to make it 8-4. Schumacher was -6 on the night. "That was the worst game that I ever played in my hallowed career," said a stunned Schumacher. Steve Palmiscno, quickly added, "Why don't you retire from this team too!" It doesn't get any easier for the Army next week as they take on defending regular season champ Kelly's. Unless there is a drastic shakeup, the Army could be 0-3 after at 3-0 start last year.

Army looks for better performance tonight

The Red Army is looking for a better effort after getting trounced 7-0 last week. Tonight's game is against Caufield's at 5:45 at the Gambucci Arena. "Maybe the earlier start will get us going," said Lance Norman. "It will keep us out of the buffet line until after the game." The Army will not have the services of veteran defensman Steve Olson. Olson was injured after the game. Details of the injury are a little foggy at this time. The Army is stating that it is an upper body injury. Do to league rules that is all that has to be stated. This reporter has learned that Olson has a growth in his mid section. But nothing has been leaked out. When this question was asked to Bill Knipe, Knipe chuckled, "It is his stomach. He summered well with cheeseburgers and pizza. Can you say Jenny Craig!" Plenty of tickets remain for tonight's game in the upper bowl. The lower bowl is sold out. Contact 1-800-REDARMY for the best available ticket.

Where are they Now

Here is what all the Red Army fans have been waiting for. If you have ever wondered what happened to your favorite player that use to don the old red CCCP jersey's, just sit back and enjoy the article.

Kevin Kyle: No longer a player, but the GM of the most popular team in the Huff-n-Puff Leauge. GM of the year for not picking up any players for 10 years. He is also the greatest screen printer in the upper midwest.

Landis Stoltman: Was part of the original team. Trade to the state of Washington for a box of apples. Now lives in Seattle and works for microsoft. He is working on having Bill gates become an Army supporter and sponsor. At least a few cases of beer would be good.

Chad "Pucks and Sticks" Hanson: One of the Army's greatest Defensmen. Chad retired before his prime, way before. Now Living in Moorhead, training athletes the Army way.

Mike "The Greek Streak" Matiatos: Whereabouts unknown, last know address was somewhere in Alaska. Apparently starred in "Mystery,Alaska" as the Zamboni driver.

Terry Wynne: Greatest goalie the Army ever had. Still has the record for most saves in a game, 79 in Silver Bay, Mn. Now a firefighter in GF. Looks likes he can still take the heat.

Jeff Hegg: Second best Army goaltender. Had the longest tenure of any goalie. (No one can survive with no defense) Lives in Brainerd and works as an electrician. Still has nightmares of the Sunday 7:45 am games.

Pete WWWWWHalen: The original tough guy for the Army. Had a tryout for the LA Kings, but didn't realize that you really need to know how to skate to play hockey.

Paul Markovich: Original coach for the Army. No one could understand him, as he talked in Russian. Still works for the Army as Kevin Kyle's assistant. While living in Oakland, he is in charge of scouting in the west. He just can't find any overweight, slow white guys that can play Army style hockey.

Toby Palmiscno: Goalie that was the only player sent to the minors. Now in Bemidji trying to find himself. It will take a while.

Mark Lykken: Was the leading scorer for the Army in the years of 1986-1988. An main cog of the early Army. Has bettered himself as cop Fargo. trying to make a comeback playing for the Fargo Force.

Rahn Ford: Long time coach of the Army. Working on getting his credentials back to come back as the Army coach.

Terry Paukert: Semi-retired player coach of the Army. Pauks goal is to play a few games after sitting out most of the year, last year. Though doesn't want to have Schumacher as a partner.

This is the list so far. I know I'm missing a few. They will be updated in upcoming weeks of the Red Army News.

Army Embarrassed

The Red Army was spanked like a red headed step child 7-0 last night to the hands of Rumors. It was the worst opening performance the Army has had in the 25 year existence of the team. "We stunk, plain and simple," said a robust Steve Olson. Olson continued, "We need to dig deep, we could seriously go 0-20 this year." Steve Palmiscno answered, "So what, is the beer cold? And if Gilbertson make 7 more save it is a tie." Gilbertson finished with 56 save on the night. The Army was without Shawn McMillan last night as the secret service would let him in the building past the 6:00 pm deadline for players. McMillan had to sit in the stands and watch the game. McMillan said, "I almost threw up watching that game. I didn't realize how slow and bad we really are!" The Army takes on Caufield's next Wednesday at 5:45 at the Gambucci Arena. Plenty of tickets are still available

The Puck Drops Tonight

The Red Army Season is finally here. After months of anticipation, your favorite, overweight hockey team is ready to lace up the blades. Hopefully for some (Marto) for the last season. The Army takes on rumors tonight at 7:15 at the Blue Line Club Arena. Many dignitaries are to be in attendance for tonight's game. Those include: both mayors of GF and EGF, numerous city council members, VP Joe Biden and his guest Sarah Pallin. Pallin will drop the ceremonial opening puck at tonight's game. "I can't wait to see Pallin in person", said an excited Kurt Comeau. "She is the bomb." Though Comeau may think that, we all know that Perry Marto will be taking the opening draw, so Comeau will be nowhere near the former VP candidate. Security will be high so get to the game at least 60 minutes before the drop of the puck. The Army has been told to keep Shawn McMillan away from Pallin oldest daughter. "We know how she falls hockey players and we don't want an interstate incident," said a Pallin spokesperson. McMillan quipped, "I do all my scoring on the ice, she has nothing to worry about!" Call 1-800-REDARMY for the limited tickets available.